Sushi Wars
by TallerThanThou ShorterThanThou
Summary: Some fight for pride, arrogance, love, or justice...but they fight for SUSHI! The war had officially begun, and sushi is flying everywhere. Will Aizen make out alive with his salmon? Warning: wrote by a hyperactive author. Will scar for life. Completo!
1. Salmon or Lobster?

Aizen was in a serious predicament. Which sushi should he have-salmon or lobster? Usually he went with lobster. It was more expensive than salmon so he could show of his unlimited credit card. Today, he was undecided. Salmon was orange, and reminded him of Ichigo. It would be like killing Ichigo slowly and painfully…but then lobster, on the other hand, was red, and reminded him of the blood that would drip in a lovely rhythm from his victims. What to choose?

"Salmon or lobster?" he asked absentmindedly, not talking to anyone in particular.

"Salmon," Gin said, _not_ thinking about a Lieutenant with orange hair and a fondness for sake. Aizen sighed. He should have known better than to ask the fox for help on anything related to that particular Shinigami mentioned earlier. He didn't think he could take much more of the bras Gin had stolen…

"The path of justice points me towards lobster," Tousen said without being asked. Once again, Aizen sighed. Why had he picked those to rebel with quite possibly the worst choice of Captains when where were so much more variety to choose from? Oh wait, Yamamoto was an old geezer, Soi Fon was obsessed with Yoruichi, Unohana was too scary, Byakuya had a ten mile pole up his ass, Kommamura was just…not really in the Bleach plotline, Shunsui was a drunkard, Hitsuguya…well lets say that he just doesn't really like him, Kenpachi was self explanatory, Mayuri was a clown that had a creepy obsession with dissecting things, and Ukitake…actually, Ukitake was actually normal compared to the other Captains. Then again, he did have an unhealthy interest in pressing candy on a poor little midget we all know and fan girl over…

So of course, he, Aizen Sosuke, was left with only two choices there were relatively sane…at least he hoped so. With frustration, he realized that he was getting of topic and ranting to himself.

Salmon or lobster? He seriously had no clue. If he picked salmon, Grimmjow would think he picked it because he was taking sympathy on him for wanting to kill a certain Strawberry. That wouldn't be good because it would only encourage the already raging yaoi fans centered on Aizen/Grimmjow. But then lobster…what if the woman took offense and thought that he was trying to demote her confidence by insinuating that he could eat her for breakfast? He shuddered at the mental image of Orihime force feeding him a freshly baked batch of her 'best' cooking. The thoughts spun around in his head, jumbling it up like a twenty by twenty rubix cube that someone switched the stickers around on.

Really, people should take it easier on him; always expecting him to come up with the perfect evil plan, expecting his hair to always have that perfect Superman look (did they know how long it took to get it that way or how long he had to practice for the precise moment of when the Menos lifted them skyward, and how to get that superior godlike look just right), and always expecting that he come up with a perfect plan B in addition to another plan C-as if it wasn't hard enough to plot with a greasy little fox and a justice obsessed freak. Being a god was a lot harder than it looked.

In the end, he went with salmon. Having more yaoi fiction about him and Grimmjow was better than having to endure that woman's wasabi and tomato pudding again. Right?

A/N: This is inspired by a bleach funny video. Enjoy the story. More hilarity to come. Have fun! This is written by both Demon-Pixie and The Eville Pie. We share profiles.

Parody Thingy:

Demon-Pixie: That was fun!

Pie: Yeah.

Aizen: How dare you make use of my mastermind like it was a mere toy for you insipid little brats!

Pie: Yes, we dare.

Demon-Pixie: And we'll be making even more use of your 'mastermind' later. (air quotes around mastermind)

Aizen: Suddenly, I feel somewhat scared.

Pie and Demon-Pixie: *grins like the little devils they are*

Aizen had run away screaming. We apologize all Aizen fan girls and 'politely' demand you to get a life.


	2. The War Begins

Now, we all know that Orihime has a crush on a certain orange haired someone. We also know that salmon just happened to be orange. So, of course, you probably weren't surprised when Orihime began hyperventilating when Aizen took a large bite out of a poor salmon roll. Her eyes watering up, Orihime decided to do something drastic. She picked up a chopstick with deadly aim, and fired at the sushi halfway in Aizen's mouth. The half of the sushi that remained uneaten fell. Aizen, Gin, Tousen, and the Espada stared. Even Aaroniero who practically never took off his mask due to the reactions he got every single time ripped off his mask for a better look. Gin stopped grinning and opened his brown eyes for a better look (yes, peeps who think his eyes are red; they are brown. Just check the Soul Society Arc and you'll know because he opens his eyes when Matsumoto points her sword at him). Orihime laughed nervously. What do you do when a horde of shocked Espada gaping at you, two deflective Captains suppressing smirks, and a dude with God-Complex was glaring murderously at you for ruining his sushi are surrounding you? You take advantage of the moment and run.

It was at this precise moment that Ichigo and his crew infiltrated Hueco Mundo. As you could predict, chaos erupted. Ichigo bumped into Orihime and fell backwards into a certain midget. The midget fell into a preppy, tall, thin, man, and that preppy, tall, thin, man fell into a dude with bulging muscles, successfully spraining his arm. Bleach characters have the worst of luck; when they don't want to be found, they are found. When they don't want to get into fights, they get into fights. So, when they don't want to start a chain reaction of human domino, it started. The dude with bulging muscles fell into one of the Espada, who triggered the rest of the chain.

Aizen's eyes widened. All he had wanted was some sushi and this mass scale destruction was what it had caused? He glanced at the remaining salmon sushi on his plate. He needed to get somewhere safe from all the idiots who insisted on interrupting his meal. Right on cue, his stomach roared as if to remind him that he had skipped breakfast to be worried about what he should eat for lunch.

Then, all of a sudden, a Getsuga Tensho broke the sushi plate. Aizen closed his eyes, eyebrows twitching in irritation. To untrained eyes, it would look like Ichigo had suddenly turned into a blood fountain. Actually, Aizen was so pissed at having been deprived of his meal that he felt the need to concern himself with such unimportant affairs such as his palace being torn apart by a certain Strawberry and his idiot friends.

Aizen scowled when he realized that the wound was only a scratch and Ichigo was more than likely to survive it and still be in peak fighting condition.

"How many times do I have to kill you?" he growled as he Shunpoed to Ichigo, trying (and failing) to dice him into his next stir fired meal. Ichigo grinned maniacally, dodging blow after blow. Then, all of a sudden, he pulled his Hollow mask on. Aizen flinched back paranoid. What if that Strawberry had stolen the Hogyoku when he wasn't looking and turned himself into a Vizard? Upon closer examination, he found that that could not be possible, because he had assigned Arrancar to stare at the orb for 24/7. What a waste of one million yen, Ichigo thought. Are you wondering how he knew what Aizen had been thinking?

Truthfully, Aizen was just too preoccupied with his over-complex schemes to pay much attention to the trivial like talking to himself, a habit that he had unknowingly picked up from a certain Peach Lieutenant.

As you might know, Hueco Mundo is not a good battle scene. Despite its large size, the structure of the building itself was extremely fragile and designed by someone with the intentions of having it collapse mid-battle (namely Gin). As Aizen dodged yet another attack from Ichigo, a tiny crack appeared on the dome. Time seemed to pause as everyone stared at that minuscule crack, as if they had heard the tiny sound that it had made. Then, all at once, the entire city-sized building collapsed, leaving everyone with minor concussions. Aizen had by then disappeared with his sushi, which had mysteriously pieced itself together from the Getsuga Tensho.

Gin sat atop the rubble, grinning. Panic, disaster, and chaos-his work there was done. Perhaps he should chase after Sosuke to get that delicious sushi that had caused this whole mess. Then, still grinning with his eyes closed, he somehow managed to dodge the looming tree that he was about to Shunpo into and instead, crashed into Aizen.

Aizen did not appreciate his meal being destroyed after his god-like presence had just revived it.

Gin was left to twitch in eternal agony as Aizen skipped away happily with his meal. As he died, Gin cursed Aizen to never be able to eat his sushi, not matter how hard he tried.

A/N: Well, this is turning out nicely. Perhaps a just a tad of Momo/Aizen humor next time?

Parody Thingy:

Gin: You killed me.

Demon-Pixie: And we're damn proud of it! *grins*

Pie: Just be thankful that we didn't feel the need to go into the story ourselves and torture you until there is no trace of you left but a smoldering pile of ashes.

Gin: You ain't nice. *cries*

Pie: I'll take that as a compliment. What's a nice way to torture Aizen?

Demon-Pixie: Random much?

Pie: Not really.

Gin: Stop ignoring me!

Pie: Yes?

Gin: Just don't let him eat the sushi.

Demon-Pixie: Do you really think we're nice enough to let him eat the sushi? Nah, we'll let him think he's won for a bit then steal the sushi and eat it ourselves.

Pie: You mean _I'll_ eat it don't you? *smiles innocently like she isn't about to murder Demon-Pixie if she doesn't agree*

Demon-Pixie: Yeah, let's just go with that. *sweat drops*


	3. Brain Sushi Pawns Salmon

Panting, Aizen stepped out of the Garganta. He had spent the majority of the day running away from hungry Hollow lizards with some sort of fetish for salmon sushi. The sushi glistened, radiating good taste. Aizen's stomach growled. Just as he was about to put a delicious sushi into his mouth, he was tackled by a Peach that had an unhealthy obsession of him. The sushi went down his air pipe, successfully choking him. We really hope that he won't rest in piece.

Momo stared at the unmoving body of Aizen, loudly hyperventilating. What if her object of obsession died? Who else could she find that would be as ugly as Aizen to obsess over (perhaps she's forgetting the 2nd Division's Lieutenant)? What would she do in the time that she usually would stalk? She didn't know.

"Oh no! I'll have to do mouth to mouth!" she cried. At that, Aizen twitched and then leapt up like there was an active volcano underneath him, screeching like a feral cat. He glared exasperatedly at his ex-Lieutenant, who had not taken advantage of his absence and grown a brain (I'm sorry peeps who like Momo. I like her too but remember it's from Aizen's point of view).

"Never say that again," Aizen growled. Momo stared at him in awe, as if she had just heard the God's orders.

"Yes sir," she managed to stutter, still in shock of her object of obsession's unexpected appearance. Then, glancing at the sushi plate, Aizen received the shock of his life. The plate was empty! Momo smiled sheepishly.

"I sort of ate them while you were unconscious," she offered. Aizen fumed, throwing a tantrum in his inner world. Who dare that stupid little peach eat his sushi that he had come so far for? He sliced her open and picked the sushi out. Amazingly, it was still fresh and unsoiled. Little did he know that he would never eat it for it was cursed to bestow the owner with bad luck by two demonic authors that were currently narrating this wretched tale.

Just as he was about to put it in his mouth, Ichigo appeared.

"You're not eating that sushi until you beat me!" Ichigo yelled, the smell of the ever delicious salmon wafting up into his dilated nostrils. Aizen sighed.

"What a drag," he muttered. The Hollow mask of Ichigo stared _pleasantly_ back at him, smirking like he knew something that he Aizen didn't. Actually, he did know something that Aizen did not; Aizen was cursed never to eat the sushi that he had killed his best friend, Ichimaru Gin for. That didn't necessarily mean that he couldn't come close-and be disappointed every each and single time. Of course, you couldn't always trust the words of The Eville Pie and Demon-Pixie, but this time there was a good reason to believe them. Any promise about causing pain and severe disappointment from the two demons could be relied on.

As Aizen dodged attack after attack, it suddenly began raining sushi. He was toying with the idea of catching one in his mouth and just leaving Ichigo alone until he realized they were all lobster. Of course, he did like lobster…but salmon would symbolize eating Ichigo and his stupid powers. Then, he had an even better idea. What if he pulverized Ichigo to a bloody lump, took out his brains (if he had any), and made it into some ultra-scrumptious sushi? Brain sushi sounded ever tastier than salmon sushi. Well, it's not like his image could be further ruined…

Ichigo lied on a bloody heap on the floor, no devoid of the scanty brains that he had once possessed. Aizen held up the brain sushi triumphantly, grinning like the freak he was. Right then and there, he started a sushi cult, recruiting countless other freaks. Now to get the eating part…

A/N: You know what's scary? I can actually imagine Aizen doing that. *disturbing mental image*

Parody Thing

Aizen: Brain sushi…yum.

Pie: Freak.

Ichigo: I'll kill you for taking my brains!

Pie: You know you only survive five seconds without a brain?

Ichigo: So?

Pie: It's been ten minutes and 56 seconds Ichigo.

Ichigo: So?

Pie: You're a special type of stupid aren't you?

Ichigo: Duh I'm special-

Pie: As a monkey's ass.

Aizen: DON'T IGNORE ME!

Pie: What have I told you about speaking in Caps Lock Aizen Sosuke, former Captain of Squad 5? *death glare*

Aizen: That it wastes space and not to do it?

Pie: Then let me rephrase my question; if you know that, why are you doing it? *oozing evil charisma*

Ichigo: If I were you I'd run.

Aizen: Why-

Pie: Burn them all Akane Ayumu!

A tiny pile of ash that faintly resembled Aizen stared back at her. Dismissing the whole accident, Pie fell asleep at the computer keyboard, dreaming about brain sushi.


	4. 13 Days of Sushiand something

Remember last chapter when Aizen recruited numerous members to the Sushi Cult? Now, since it was the Christmas season, they were busy making up sushi carols.

"On the first day of sushi my enemy gave to me a small brain and a salmon. On the second day of sushi my enemy gave to me two sets of lobster and a small brain and a salmon," the assembled idiots sang in a very off tone manner. Everyone in the Living World, Soul Society, and Hueco Mundo covered their ears. Unaware or enjoying the others' pain, the cult continued singing. Suddenly, Aizen got a realization. He had distributed sushi to every single person in his cult (not his brain sushi of course). What if he killed them all and ate it?

Unfortunately, the combined strength of a million or so people far outshined his strength, as he soon found out. Aizen ended up chained to the rock of sacrifice as the cult danced around him, preparing to offer him to the god of sushi. Realizing there was no escape, he resigned himself indignantly to his case when suddenly he realized that it was raining brain sushi. He strained himself to catch one, but unfortunately, he was obese and the rock tipped over into the fire. Large amounts of grease gave the air a savory taste.

The sushi cult blinked. Their leader was dead. Time to pick a new one. Suddenly, the Congress building appeared, and the cult were all clad in uniform.

"Today, our meeting's objective is to vote who should be the next leader of the Sushi Cult," the head representative said. Yells of 'Matsumoto', 'Hisagi', 'Kira', 'Ikkaku', or even sometimes, 'Kenpachi' were heard. That was when Unohana decided to intervene. She opened her eyes, still smiling.

"Are you sure I shouldn't be leader?" she asked. The cult cowed. Then they all fled.

"My, my. I wonder what could have scared them so…" she trailed of thoughtfully as she ate the brain sushi.

So in the end, everything was okay, despite the fact that no one could solve the mystery of how Ichigo survived for two long months without a brain, that Aizen had died, Gin came back to life, and Tousen ate Wonderweiss. Nothing was wrong at all, and brain sushi rained down on them, a gift of the charming authors.

Everyone lived happily ever after. Birds annoyed the random passersby, Yachiru still thought Ikkaku's head was a cookie, Hitsugaya continued to case Matsumoto all over Seireitei, Yamamoto continued to fart, and finally…the order so carefully constructed was destroyed. Within two weeks. But dear readers, that is the next story.

_Fin_

A/N: Yay! We finished this one! Okay, so what if it's really short? We ran out of brain juice. And yes, there will be a sequel. Consider this a sort of mini intro into the real plot.

There will be no Parody Thingy today, but wait for it…in the next story: Fairytale Life.


End file.
